Today, I saw another girl who “wasn't trying” announce her pregnancy.
Today, I stuck my body with yet another needle to make my ovaries wake the heck up.
Today, I’m dreading running into that guy who asks me every.time.I.see.him., “So ya pregnant yet?”
Today, my daughter asked me, “Why didn’t you have two babies so I could play with someone?”
Some days are harder than others. Today was rough. My mind is a landmine and as I stumble through this journey it’s as if I’ll trip an explosive at any moment.
-I see Polly’s baby pictures and I am reminded that I was the one who wanted to wait to start having kids and somehow this is all my fault.
-People who say well meaning things like, “Just relax… go on vacation then it will happen… try acupuncture…have you prayed?”
-It’s becoming painful to enjoy the milestones of my daughter because I am constantly reminded the distance between her and another child.
Probably the hardest part is the not knowing. What step should I take next? Which form of treatment will work? Should we start the adoption process? HOW.MUCH.LONGER?
Infertility isn’t like weight loss. I know how to lose weight! Eat right and exercise and bam! It’s not always easy but at least you know if you do those two things something will happen and results are likely. With Infertility you can’t “work” hard enough, wish it to happen or get a personal trainer to kick your butt. You do the treatment you have in front of you and then the result is usually not what you hoped for.
“Hoped for”…hmmm…that word ‘Hope’ has me thinking. The definition of Hope is: “a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen”. I have had hope alive in my heart over the last three years of this journey. It’s days like today that I can see that hope getting close to flickering out. The Bible says in Proverbs 13:12, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
The delay in a dream being fulfilled, the delay in a prayer being answered or the delay in a child being conceived can make anyone sick. Sick and tired of waiting and “hoping”, sick of wanting something so badly only to be told “not now” over and over again and sick of ever wanting it in the first place. When our heart gets "sick" it's not because we didn't receive the thing we were hoping for, it's because we actually lost hope. Wouldn't it just be easier if I never wanted this? Believe me, a prayer has been ‘take this desire from me so I can have peace’. Then I read the second part of that scripture, “but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Isn't that the truth. Any time in life when I have waited for something be it, a new movie to come out or my wedding day…it’s met with such fulfillment and joy. If Hope deferred makes you sick then Hope fulfilled is like an unspeakable pleasure and delight.
Today, I’m hanging on to that word, “a longing (having another baby) fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Today, I’m being honest with my feelings and acknowledging that I'm sad and frustrated and even slightly angry.
Today, I’m searching my heart for the only thing to fill me with hope once again.
Today, I choose to have hope.
Today, I turn again to Jesus and let Him be my hope and guide.