For three plus years I have been trying to get pregnant with my second child. My daughter just turned four and it’s hard to not let my mind wonder to… “This wasn’t the plan.” The “plan” was when she was 18 months old we would start trying for another. I thought, “I can totally handle a new born and a two year old. That’s a nice age gap.”
Well here we are; many months later, several birthdays later, many fertility needle pokes later, lots of tears later, just about everyone else having babies later… and I am still waiting. For some two years is nothing because they have hoped and prayed for a much longer time. Some may even think I should just be grateful I have at least one child. To both those camps all I can say is, “Yup. but it still hurts.”
In the ‘waiting’ a funny thing can happen. You become bitter or you become better. I fully believe you can walk through both! There have been moments when I fully embraced bitterness as a close confidant. The thing is he is one lousy friend. He will take all your joy and hand you some anger, he will replace your hope with cynicism and tear a hole so deep in your heart it will take a miracle to recover. Then there you will sit in the pit of bitterness and you will for sure be alone because NO ONE wants to be around that!
Once I began to see this ugly pattern I decided to guard my heart. Not in the way we might think. I didn’t camouflage it so that no one could actually see my struggle but I did the exact opposite. I told my husband when I was feeling disappointed or hurting, I opened up to friends and asked for their prayers, I reached out to others who have gone through similar stories, I talked with a counselor and most importantly I refused to turn my love off to God. I could be disappointed, confused, hurt, mad, even yell and scream but I refused to turn my love off.
You see, the God I know is loving, kind and good (among many others). That is His very nature. Just because I am not getting what I have asked for doesn’t change any of those things. Should I wait to see that positive sign on a pregnancy stick to start praising God for His faithfulness or do I begin now? A deep work happens in us when we choose to praise through our waiting, the pain, the grief and our questions. Just like a clay pot being put in the fire; we are shaped, refined and made whole through our sacrifice of praise. It can hurt. It takes time. However, the outcome is a life that can be used to serve others, a life that is free of bitterness and full of hope.
In my waiting, I choose Him.