I was engaged to be married at 21. My then fiance and I went through ‘pre marriage’ counseling to work out any kinks before this big step of marriage. We had only dated 6 months and then we were engaged. Needless to say we knew little about each other and even less about marriage.
We checked off boxes of who would pay the bills, what house hold chores were more suited for the other, discussed love languages and talked about kids. We agreed that we would have them and would “start trying” 2-3 years into marriage.
The wedding came. Year one came. Three years came and went and every year after that when the idea of kids came up I just kept saying 2 to 3 years! Well we found ourselves at year 6 or 7. No kids. My husband was growing frustrated and I was growing concerned because the truth was, I did not want kids. I loved my job, traveling, our lifestyle…but I also loved my husband and I knew this would be a big deal.
I asked a mentor to pray with me about it. The conversation went like this,
Me: “I really don’t think I want kids and this will be a big deal in my marriage. I’m not sure what to do.”
Mentor: “Well what are you afraid of?”
Me: “That’s easy- I don’t want to ‘lose’ myself, I want to pursue my dreams and not be held back…AND What if it’s difficult to get pregnant then I have to deal with that?”
Mentor: “I think you should pray and ask God to reveal if there is anything else.”
A few days later I was in my car and I asked God to show me any other fears I might have about having kids. I heard so clearly in my mind,
“You are afraid that if you have a baby something may happen to Matt, he may die and you would be left alone to raise a child.”
My heart sank. It was absolutely true. This fear, this lie had become my truth. I didn’t even realize that I was filtering all of my future thoughts and dreams for a family through this pipeline. The idea of not wanting kids felt so true, so real. But it was a garden of lies that was producing a crop of fear that I was taking and consuming. I was feasting on non-truth and that became my truth. In that moment I asked God to take that fear away and in a moment it was as if the fog was cleared and I saw what I truly wanted; a family with children.
We all think and reason through filters in our mind. As a child we endured abuse at the hands of a man therefore we see men through this filter. We see marriage through the filter of divorce we witnessed. We see our body through the magazine filter of perfection. For me, as a teenager I sat in too many funerals saying good byes to lives cut short. I didn’t realize at the time that it was creating a filter for my life. The lie was people in my life die so don’t get too attached or give too much of your heart away.
The crazy thing about lies are they feel like truth. Fear is the byproduct of a lie. I refuse to live in fear or lies therefore I daily bathe myself in truth. A scripture I have memorized and say probably every week is:
2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear;
but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
Do you have any triggers of fear? Are you living through a filter of lies? Ask God to reveal His heart to you and bathe yourself in truth!